I sure did have to Google how to spell “connoisseur”. There’s no shame in that. You might want to say “but Laura..if you’re already a wine connoisseur, shouldn’t you know how to spell your own title?” That’s where you’re wrong. “Like Me” is the key part of this blog heading. I’m not here to teach you how to be a wine connoisseur by someone else’s interpretation of the term. I’m here to teach you how to hone those wine-drinking skills whilst juggling life, parenthood and all those other crappy adult obligations we have. I play by my own set of rules. And though highly biased, I think my rules are downright fantastic.
Firstly, it helps to have a background in olympic-level university drinking. It’s not a prerequisite, but it can help you know how to handle your shit. If you’re an adult with responsibilities (as I mentioned before,) you need to know how to get your wine on, but not black out. So if you’re not a seasoned wine drinker, you should probably start slow.
Secondly, pre-pump your breast milk, girl. There’s always a chance the baby will wake up before anticipated. Enough said.
One important thing to know is when to buy the box. Let’s not kid ourselves into thinking we’re too good for wine-by-the-box. Those big mothers contain like 5.5 bottles, and so if you’re gonna be sharing with multiple people, a box is key. There will also come a time in your life when your stupid husband will want to get in on your wine. If you sense that might be coming (for instance, he’s out of beer) consider those XL bottles. Sharing wine will – without a doubt – be one of the harder things you’ll have to do in this life, but the alternative is telling him that he gets none, and then he’ll probably set up an intervention for you. You don’t want to run that risk.
I want to talk a bit about pairing wine with cheese. If you’re thinking about doing this, I would advise you to drink at home. The main reason is that you WILL polish off that entire wheel of brie single-handedly, and you might not want to world to witness it.
So when you’ve put your spawn to bed and you’re getting down to wine time, select your finest yoga pants. When you’re a couple glasses in, the last thing you want is to realize the sad state of your life. Having clean…possibly even stain-free yogas on will give you that little extra boost of confidence you need to avoid a sadness spiral.
If you’re like me, you’ve now settled into the ass grove on your couch, and started streaming ‘Chopped’. There’s nothing quite like judging people who are miles better at something than you. So while you critique those chefs as if you have a right, you might start to get some ideas about your own cooking skills. Do NOT attempt that shit in your own kitchen. Don’t do it. Even with your wine-induced confidence boost, you should stick to making cereal.
And speaking of, you’ll probably have a moment where you go back and forth about whether or not you want cereal. Then you’ll blink and realize you ate three bowls. So just make sure you have a good lie to tell your children about why it’s all gone.
If it’s the weekend, and you thinking that the wine might lead to romance, consider running and comb through your hair, and finding a washed sports bra.
So at some point, you’re gonna wanna watch Dr. Phil on youtube. I would say around glass three. I would recommend taking the time beforehand to find full episodes, and put together a playlist. That way you’re not struggling to find part seven of ten JUST as it’s getting good.
It’s also around this time that you’ll consider online shopping. I’m not really the type to buy expensive purses or heels (chronic vertigo right here), but one time…pre-kids…I did get a pleasant (but expensive) surprise when a package arrived in the mail. It turned out I had ordered ALL the seasons of Criminal Minds after a party. So before you online shop, ask yourself this: DO I need it, or CAN I stream it illegally online?
Chances are you’ll have this notion that you’ll be able to savour your “me time” and have an evening for the record books. The reality is…we’re getting old. Chug that water before you pass out at 9:15, and have Advils at the ready. Mentally prepare yourself for the 5am toddler-on-crack-tornado-alarm that will hit you like a ton of bricks in the morning.
Most importantly. Lady. Know that you deserved your short-lived fun.
Hope you all had a wine-tastic weekend!
Stay classy, my friends.